White Roses and Holly
by Tiamat's Child
Summary: Summary: Sometime after the promised day Kaumi and Fumma visit Kotori's grave. First in the "Gettin' There" series.


Title: White Roses and Holly

Series: X

Author: Tiamat's Child

Rating: PG

Genre: Angst/Drama

Characters: Fumma, Kaumi

Disclaimer: The story is mine, the rest is not.

Summary: Sometime after the promised day Kaumi and Fumma visit Kotori's grave. First in the "Gettin' There" series.

White Roses and Holly

Tiamat's Child

It feels odd to be here. The last I can remember of Kotori she was fine, smiling and sweet, like always. And yet, here I am, standing at her grave.

I lost an entire year. I can't remember any of what happened. There's nothing, not even the blackness and distant dreams of coma. It's as if time for me just stopped on that day at the shrine and picked up again when I woke up in the intensive care ward of the hospital.

I've lost time before, but never so much. Usually it's only a minute or two. Sometimes I'll glance at the clock in the kitchen and suddenly be in the garden several minutes later. Or I'll start back home from school and abruptly be standing in the courtyard with no memory of walking there. It's scary, but I've learned to live with it, much the same way Kotori had learned to live with her weak heart.

Kotori...You know, I never really thought that Kotori would die. She always seemed too strong for that. Whenever I thought of the future I always pictured her living with Kaumi in a house covered with rose vines. I always thought I'd be there too, watching over the two people I loved the best.

But things never really work the way you want them too, do they? Now Kotori's dead, and there'll never be a house with rose vines for her to share with Kaumi. And I'll never be able to sit and watch, and maybe even allow myself the selfish wish of being in my sister's place.

This seems so surreal. I can't possibly be standing by my baby sister's grave with Kaumi because she can't be dead. There's no way she can be dead. She had so much to live for and she always took care of herself so how can she be dead? Why would she die so young? And why can't Kaumi look me in the eye when I ask him?

Kotori...Little Sister...I love you. I wish you were here with us. I wish I'd been able to save you. I wish that I'd been able to go to your funeral. I wish that I'd been able to hold your hand as you died.

I kneel, placing the bouquet of white roses that I brought at the foot of the headstone. Kaumi leans over and places his own spray of holly branches next to my flowers. I'm rather surprised at how well they look together, as if they were meant to be seen side by side.

"To protect her from evil." Kaumi says.

"Hmm?"

"The holly. A person I knew once told me that holly drives evil away. It's used for protection."

"It's pretty."

"That too."

We stay there for a while longer, my knees digging into the grass and Kaumi's hand resting on my shoulder. It's a tentative touch, Kaumi has always been a bit uncomfortable with physical contact, but it's still a touch. Come to think of it, he has been a good bit more skittish then usual lately, as if he'd been badly burned and is afraid it will happen again. Whatever it was it probably happened during my lost time. I wish I knew what it was that's wrong.

Eventually Kaumi's grip on my shoulder tightens a little and he speaks.

"It's probably time for us to start heading back. I think that the caretaker wants to close the gates for the night."

I nod and stand and the two of us start to walk back down the drive. Kaumi hangs back from me a few inches, a habit he's picked up recently. I think that he's a little worried about the possibility that I might fall. I don't think I will. I still ache, and I get tired easily, but I don't think I've overdone it today.

Kotori...It feels so final now that I've been to her grave. Before it didn't seem really real, more like a dream that I'd be waking up from soon. And as soon as I did Kotori would be there, laughing and playing with the birds. But now it seems as if it has been carved in stone. "Kotori is gone. You didn't protect her well enough."

I didn't protect Kaumi well enough either. Someone hurt him, I can tell. He flinches when he's touched instead of simply stiffening as he used to. His eyes are haunted, as if something at the back of them has been broken and twisted. He's torn on the inside, but he pretends he isn't. Oh Kaumi...I wish you would tell me what happened.

Kaumi quietly reaches forward and catches my hand. I glance down at him, startled, and he blushes and ducks his head. There's a set to his shoulders that says that he expects me to pull away. I give his hand a reassuring squeeze and smile. His eyes light up and he squeezes back. My smile widens a little. It's good to see him happy.

This little trip has really raised more questions then it has put to rest, but I think I can deal with that. It'll be all right eventually. Right now I just want to ignore my sadness and enjoy how perfectly Kaumi's hand fits in mine. And maybe, just for the moment, I can indulge in one of my foolish little daydreams of having more then Kaumi's friendship.

Story notes: This is the first of a short series of stories intended to create a believable Kaumi/Not-Evil-Anymore! Fumma relationship. I think that the core series itself will consist of four stories, but there might be more then that, depending on how far I decide to go with it.

A quick note on lost time: Lost time is a widely recognized psychological phenomenon that is frequently associated with DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). Fumma's behavior reminds me strongly of DID and since he's had memory lapses before, in series, I decided to run with the idea that he won't remember what *Kaumi* did after the promised day. As for actually using the term 'lost time' in story...well, it just seems a logical thing to call the sensation. I couldn't come up with a good reason for Fumma not to use it.


End file.
